After being with my man for a very long time, I'm thrilled that he's finally going to put a ring on it! We're looking at next summer or even fall but it will be next year. I'm very excited about being a bride and it's fun planning our day and everything. But there's just one problem.
I was besties with someone I'd known since I was in my early twenties. We were very close. I was maid of honor when she got married. And I threw her a baby shower when she was expecting her twins. While we are still friends, I don't think we're as close as we used to be. I guess that's to be expected when the husband and kids come along. The thing is I don't feel that we're close enough now for me to ask her to be my matron for honor. I have other friends that I'm super close to and I would like to ask one of them. But I feel bad because I was her maid of honor so I feel I ought to return the favor. I would be happy to have her as a bridesmaid if she was OK with that but it just doesn't feel right having her as my maid of honor as I don't feel as though our friendship is at that stage anymore although I do still like and care about her. Otherwise this wouldn't be such an issue for me.
I'm just wondering what everyone thinks, and has anyone else been in a similar situation?
Update please Carrot! What did you decide?
I would agree with everyone who's said not to. Ask her to be a bridesmaid or just have her as a guest. How you go about that I don't know, and I know there's going to be some awkwardness. But it's your day so don't do anything you don't want to.
I'm so glad my husband and I had the simplest of weddings, especially as it meant that we didn't have to deal with issues like this.
I'm sure by now you've settled on who your maid of honor is going to be so please let us know - we're very curious! 😁
I was in a similar position to you but it wasn't that much of a difficult decision to make because by the time I got married, my former best friend and I were no longer in touch. No fall out, no drama - we just went on different paths and drifted. But when I was choosing my wedding party, I did wonder if I should ask her to be a bridesmaid. I couldn't ask her to be my chief bridesmaid because that role was shared between my sisters. But by that time, we'd drifted so far apart and hadn't been in touch for years so it would have been pointless to have her there purely because I felt I owed her. If that makes any sense.
If we're lucky, we'll only get married the once. So make sure you celebrate your day, your way!
I would say that if you didn't have such a problem with it and the issue of who was your chief bridesmaid wasn't that big a deal to you, then why not ask her. After all you were chief bridesmaid at hers so it seems fair.
But there are times that doing what seems 'fair' isn't always the right thing to do. The fact that you've even asked this tells me that you'd prefer for her not to be your chief bridesmaid, and there's nothing wrong with that. Especially since you're not as pally as you used to be. Doing something purely because it's the 'right' thing to do often leads to resentment so I wouldn't recommend that. Plus there's a lot of responsibility that comes with this role and as she has a family of her own, maybe she can't give that level of commitment anyway.
I would suggest talking things over with her so there's no hard feelings but yeah - ask someone else!
I'm guessing by now you've chosen your maid of honor. Do let us know what you decided but for what it's worth, I agree with everyone else on here. I wouldn't give someone such an important role if I wasn't super close to them.
Honestly, find yourself a new MOH! I understand that you guys are still friends but if the bond just isn't the same then I would just ask the person I wanted to ask. The other commenters have said pretty much the same thing and I think it's the right thing to do.
There are some times when you shouldn't be doing things purely out of obligation. And choosing your wedding party is one of them. My ex husband and I never had the big wedding as we eloped. Even though we're no longer married, I do regret that my parents weren't there and I didn't have the day I'd dreamed of since I was very young. So my advice to you is go ahead and ask who you want to ask. Your friend probably isn't even expecting to be asked as she'll know you're not as close no more. But if it worries you that much then maybe you should talk to her to explain your side and make sure there are no hard feelings.
I've been married for 20 years and my chief bridesmaid is someone I'm no longer in touch with. To be honest, we'd started to drift apart even before I got married but I still had her as my chief bridesmaid which I do regret. Don't get me wrong, we were still friends and she'd never done anything wrong. But our ' best friendship' had run it's course and with hindsight, I should have given that role to someone else. My cousin would have been an ideal choice. I think I gave her that role as we promised each other when we were much younger that we would be each other's chief bridesmaids and godmothers to each others kids. So due to some silly childhood promise, I continued to go along with it. Though thankfully I didn't ask her to be my children's godmother and I have a feeling she would have refused if I'd asked her anyway. I haven't spoken to her in maybe fifteen years and I don't know where she is today. But my point is if you really feel that this isn't the person you want following you down the aisle, then ask someone else. Don't be bound by obligation. I think Green Diamante said it best - you were close when you were her bridesmaid, but you're not so close now. So if I were you, I'd ask the person I really want as my chief bridesmaid. And please don't feel guilty about it!
It's really sweet that you care about your friend but I completely agree with what Betta daze has said. You only want to get married the once, so make it the day you really want and have the people you really want by your side. People and relationships can change over time. How things are today may not necessarily be that way tomorrow. When you agreed to be your best friends maid of honour, you didn't know that later down the line your friendship would have cooled a little. So no one can blame you for thinking differently.
I waited a long time to get married (I were in my forties!) so I weren't compromising on the day that both me and my husband wanted. I think writing the letter is a good idea, especially if you feel nervous. At least you'll be able to rewrite it if you feel the words aren't right. And you can still have your friend as a bridesmaid, and failing that - a guest. I'm sure she'll understand if you two aren't as pally as you used to be (but still pally!)
It's good that the two of you are still friends but if you don't feel that she's the right person to be your maid of honour, then perhaps it would be a good idea to say something. If you find it difficult to say something in person, why don't you write her a letter. Be honest and say that you have someone in mind for that particular role but she's still very welcome to be a bridesmaid. As your friendship is not quite what it was, she might have already figured that anyway and is probably waiting for you to say something. Along with accepting such a role, comes a lot of responsibility and if your friend has young children, she'll probably not be able to commit the time to being a good maid of honour to you. Of course I don't know the ins and outs of it all and I'm just putting things out there. But the bottom line is if you don't feel so comfortable in asking her to be your MOH, then don't do it. It's your day after all.