There's an in-joke among my 'girl gang' about the concept of moving on (trust me, it's a lot funnier than it sounds!) But in reality, as much as I hate to admit it, accepting change; moving on; cutting ties with the past, letting go... these aren't things I find easy to do - but I do try! I suppose it's connected to the fact that in general, I just hate goodbyes. Everyone who knows me knows I hate goodbyes. 'Goodbye' in my opinion, is the worst word in the English language. Or in any language for that matter.
I saw this absolutely beautiful post on Instagram recently created by Chen Chi Sing (aka Soolooka) which was all about saying goodbye, leaving the past where it belongs and moving on. It was a very simple piece of artwork (and by simple I mean that it wasn't overly detailed with all kinds of distracting bits and bobs NOT that it was basic. It was actually very pretty) but incredibly effective and I found it to be very moving. It affected me in a very profound way, and I couldn't stop looking at the illustration. The little figures in it almost made me cry as though they were real people!
I think it's because it reminded me of all the people who have walked with me through quite difficult times in my life who for one reason or another, I've had to say goodbye to even though I never wanted to. And the little hearts above the figures along with the teardrop tells us that even though walking away from the past can be liberating, it's also quite bittersweet. Our pasts are what it is: not all bad and not all good. Sometimes, it can be hard to let go...
Of course it was the meaning behind the artwork that got me. Sometimes we have to say goodbye to even the positive elements and people in our past in order to go somewhere new and hopefully better. This might involve accepting that someone you love has passed away; realizing that a relationship/friendship has run its course; admitting that the town you grew up in no longer feels like home, or that the job you once loved doesn't bring you any joy or fulfilment. In these situations, it's understandable why people find it hard to move on because who wants to let go of someone/something that meant so much? But even when it's something that's bad for you, a lot of people still find it hard to let go either because they're afraid to or because they don't know how, which explains why so many people remain in unhappy relationships or jobs they now hate.
Soolooka's illustration made me realize a lot of things about the concept of letting go and moving on. I don't believe that we have to wave goodbye to people or things that make us happy; give us peace, and add something important to our lives. Too many people give up things that matter just for the sake of change but I see it as throwing out the baby along with the bathwater. But that said, it is important to embrace change when it matters and let go of things and people that no longer serve us.
During the course of our lives, we pick up a lot of baggage along the way, and we can be plagued by unhappy memories; bad decisions; past mistakes; childhood traumas; broken friendships and relationships... And that's before we even get to the limiting beliefs, habits, relationships and ways that no longer serve us, and we know it's not doing us any good - and yet we still hold on to them. We refuse to close the door on these things either because we're unaware that these things are not bringing us any real joy. Or perhaps we are aware but don't know how to detach ourselves from these - or we're too afraid to. It's like people who hold onto anger as a means of self-preservation. Well self-destruction might be a more suitable noun! There are just some things that need to be shown the door.
Nearly four years ago I made the move from Britain to America, leaving behind my family, friends, job, and everything that was very familiar to me. I may have left but did I actually say goodbye??? The answer to that is probably no considering I've felt quite stuck since arriving to the land of opportunity where I have developed a habit of comparing everything here to things back home. There's nothing wrong with America but it just doesn't feel like home yet even after all this time. Perhaps the way to do that is to let go of beliefs and expectations that I've held on to for so long in order to move forward. I have no idea if America will be our forever home (does that make me sound like a kitten???) Maybe we'll stay, maybe we'll go back to England, or maybe we'll end up somewhere completely different - like an island just of the antarctic! But right now, this is where we are so we have to make the most of it and say goodbye to the life we had in England, for now at least, because that's what's preventing me from moving forward.
It's not that I have a complete inability to let go of things and constantly dwell on the past. Over the course of my life, there have been things and people that I have had to walk away from for the sake of my sanity and a bit of peace. It wasn't an easy decision to make. In fact there were times I wanted to un-make that decision because it was the more comfortable and convenient option but I knew deep down that it wasn't the right decision. And sometimes the right option isn't always the safe option.
The past is important in many ways, as it's our experiences that shape who we are, and formulate our beliefs and values. One important element from the past that does belong in our present and our future are the valuable lessons that we've learned along the way - some of them having been pretty painful. It's always important to remember what these episodes taught us in order to grow as people and improve the way in which we live. But anything that doesn't enable us to develop; holds us back; pushes us down; keeps us in a state of fear; stops us from living life to the fullest, and using our potential to the max, well - those things need to go. And fast!
As you can imagine, changing the habits of a lifetime does not come easily and nor will it happen overnight. Furthermore, depending on what it is you're trying to let go of, there may be sadness and a lot of tears. But don't let this stop you from doing what will ultimately be the best thing for you. Letting go of the past isn't always as scary as you might think. There are just steps you need to take and realizations you need to make:
It takes time but the first step is to admit that there is a problem: that you are not happy; life isn't going as it should, and that there are things that are holding you back that need to go.
You then need to identify what these things are - toxic friendships, unfulfilling jobs etc and then make a firm commitment to yourself to sever links that are preventing you from forging ahead in life. This is where patience is important because this transformation won't happen overnight. Whether you do this as a quick sharp sever, or one bit at a time is up you.
When it comes to bereavement, understand that it is NOT your loved one you are saying goodbye to. You will have your memories of them and continue to love them. Rather it's the acceptance that they are no longer physically here (but they are with you in spirit) and it's the grief and despair that you are letting go of as it's keeping you in a place of pain.
Understand that not all goodbyes have to be permanent. Anyone who's an expat who knows there's a possibility of returning home or going somewhere new altogether, will get this!
Not all goodbyes have to be complete and immediate. It's possible to work your way through it a bit at a time.
Accept that there will be lapses along the way. Show yourself some compassion and keep going. With perseverance you'll get there, and you'll be able to firmly shut the door on the past and head towards a brighter future without fear or anxiety.
Word cloud: Angel Noire