The Loves and Loathes of Being an Ex-Pat: The Loathes (pt.ii)

A while back we took a look at all that was fab about being an ex-pat and the benefits that experiencing life in another country can bring. But anyone who's ever moved abroad will also know that unfortunately there's a downside to being an ex-pat and it's not all cocktails on the beach and making a new bunch of mates. In the second part of this post, we take a look at the drawbacks of being an expat and ways in which these can be overcome.

With thanks to Geralt at Pixabay

1. HOMESICKNESS

Even if you've been enthusiastic about the move and are enjoying your new life in another country, there can still be a certain level of homesickness. But it's when that level of homesickness is so severe that it's stopping you from making the most of your new life and doing the things that you need to do, leading to loneliness and anxiety, then it becomes a huge issue.

Before you move abroad, you expect to feel a certain degree of homesickness - closely associated with culture shock and loneliness - when you arrive in your adopted country. You know there's going to be a difference in lifestyle and habits; you won't see your mates every day or pop round to your mum's whenever you like. Certain social traditions won't make sense; you might not be a huge fan of the food; you'll miss the local barista who knew your order before you'd even requested it, and your hairdresser who knew exactly where you have your parting!

With thanks to PublicDomainPictures at Pixabay

But you don't always account for all the weddings, birthdays and new arrivals you'll miss out on; the loss of loved ones; the feeling of helplessness when there's a problem at home. Even regular family traditions like weekend brunch or Sunday lunch, get togethers with the girls and watching the match in a pub with your mates... nothing prepares you for how much you'll miss these until you're not there anymore. With the best will in the world, it's not always possible or affordable to rush home whenever you want to.

The best way to deal with it is by trying to adjust to everything that your new destination offers. As days and months go by, you won’t find everything so “bizarre” in your host country.

OVERCOMING THE ISSUE

• Be mentally prepared and go with an open mind. This makes the minor setbacks easier to deal with. Accept that you will experience culture shock and in the initial stages, you might well experience loneliness and frustration. Plan for how you might overcome these setbacks well in advance.

• Be open to change and understand that your routine and lifestyle will not necessarily be the same in your new country. One of the best things about living in another country is learning new things and having experiences that you may not have had in your home country. So embracing such changes will help you adjust and adapt when new things come your way.

• Even if the move is because of a new job, think of attainable goals that you'd like to achieve while living in your new country and work towards them. It’s a chance for personal growth and development, and can make your time as an expat more fulfilling, productive and enjoyable - and should hopefully keep feelings of homesickness at bay.

• Keep in regular contact with family and friends back home. It'll lift your spirits and might even motivate you into exploring your new surroundings and experiencing new things.

• But while it's good to keep in contact with family and friends, make sure you don't become overly reliant on them. Take steps towards meeting new people and forging new friendships. Don't worry you won't forget your mates at home!

• And talking of family and friends, invite them to visit. Having your family come to visit will make your new home feel more like your old home. But make sure it's close family and good friends who will lift your spirits - not acquaintances who are just looking for free bed and board while on holiday!

• Find a good expat store! Or at the very least check out the international food sections at your local supermarket who might import favourites from your home country (though be warned, they won't come cheap!) These stores are very useful when adjusting to life in a new country, especially for those with children.

• Work can be very useful when it comes to getting to meet new people and learning more about the country you're living in. But if you're unable to work for any reason, give volunteering a go.

• Use Meet Up groups and social media groups to connect with other expats. It might be beneficial for you to link up with people who understand what you're going through, and to share information and knowledge. But make sure to include the locals as part of your social circle too.

2. NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND WORK

When in your home country, you don't need to justify your existence for being there. It's 'your country' - you're just 'there'! It doesn't matter what your employment status is like - there's no need for you to prove yourself to anyone. But when you are relocating to another country, you need to demonstrate that you’re moving for a justifiable reason i.e - a job, a study program etc. This also means your ability to remain in the country depends on the reason why you’re there. If you applied for an employment visa, you need to keep the job to keep your legal status.

With thanks to Tumisu at Pixabay

Usually when people move abroad, they've already got a job lined up. But if you're moving for reasons other than employment, it can be difficult to land a job within five minutes of arriving. For instance a lot of people end up abroad because they're the spouse of someone who has obtained a post. So while their spouse has been able to find work - they haven't. It could be that the kind of work you did at home is hard to find in your new country; maybe your qualifications don't translate, or you need to retrain. And when it’s already a very competitive job market to begin with, don't be surprised if you find that the recruitment process is focused on prioritizing locals (which of course isn't allowed and will never be admitted to - but it happens!)

OVERCOMING ISSUES

• Research the job situation before you fly out. See what's available in your field. Is work easy to come by? Will you need to retrain? Will the work you currently do enable you to work remotely from your new country?

• Also familiarize yourself with employments laws regarding taxes, holidays, further qualifications etc. before you arrive in your adopted country so you will know what to expect and not get any unpleasant shocks.

• Try to find out whether the qualifications you currently hold will translate, and what you need to do if it doesn't.

• If there there isn't much demand for the work you currently do, see if you possess transferable skills that can be used in another field.

• A lot of people view a move to another country as a time for transformation and that includes career. If you've always wanted to try something else, see what training opportunities are available where you're moving to.

• If you're moving to a country with a different language, learn at least some of the basics before you get there. take classes; purchase an online course etc. before you go, and see if there are schools or private instructors where you can learn the language.

• Try to use the gifts and talents you were born with to help others. Volunteering is extremely rewarding, so if you have useful skills (medical, technological, language etc.) it might be beneficial to certain local groups and organizations. Don't be shy in asking around.

3. DIFFICULTY IN MAKING FRIENDS

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You may have been one of the most popular kids on the block when you were at home. You may even have frequented your very own Cheers bar where everyone knew your name! So it's a real shock to the system when you move to a new country and find making new friends a real mission. And not so much mission as mission impossible! When you don’t have a network of friends to rely on, you have no choice but to create a new one. But when you're a super nice person and you're saying and doing all the right things, it's a bit hard not to take it personally when you find it hard to meet your new BFF. You begin to wonder what's so bad about you that people don't want to hang out with you. This type of thinking doesn't just lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation but loss of confidence; low self-esteem, and anxiety.

You may find the odd person who claims that they're 'not a people person,' but most of us would agree that humans are pack creatures. Having that sense of belonging, finding your tribe, knowing someone has our back, and feeling part of a group or a community - it's what we strive for. And once we've found it, we thrive on it. For those of us who have made the leap to living in a new country, we all know how important it is to find that feeling of belonging and be part of an inner circle.

So what do you do when it's easier to make than friends?

OVERCOMING ISSUES

• Be aware that you might not find yourself with a welcoming committee the second you step off the plane. But remember that while making friends and establishing new bonds might be stressful, it's also character-building. You might be on your own for a while but you'll come through it more resilient; self-reliant, and it's a great chance for you to get to know yourself as a person all over again.

• If you don't consider yourself to be a particularly gifted person when it comes to languages, needing to communicate in another language can be quite daunting. Overcome this obstacle by learning the new language at least two months before you leave. If you are unable to find or attend language classes in your area, look for online resources or try to find an online tutor in your host country and start lessons before you leave.

• Before you leave, look up what is on offer in your new local area with regards to groups, clubs, and classes.

• Once again, expat and Meetup groups will come in handy.

• It sounds very obvious but accepting invitations and going to places where there's a chance for you to get to know people and make friends is a very good idea.

• This one might be tough but be honest with yourself. When you're overly-keen and anxious to make friends, you might come across in a way that is quite unappealing to others. No one wants to make friends with the person who's false, pushy, desperate or just plain odd. So take a step back (or ask someone you trust if you feel you can handle brutal honesty!) and see if it's you who's pushing people away, and act accordingly.

• Be natural and be yourself - that's who people want to get to know. If a friendship is based on an act, it's not likely to last for very long. Your real friends will appreciate who you are and you will only meet 'your tribe' if you be yourself. Even though finding your tribe can sometimes take a while but be patient.

• And as keen as you are to establish friendships, please be discerning. Unfortunately unpleasant people exist everywhere. They are protected by the law so there's not much we can do about them! There's no immediate way of knowing who's who, so don't be overly trusting and rush into friendships. Take your time getting to know people and use the common sense you were blessed with.

4. SOCIETAL PROBLEMS

One of the reasons why people emigrate is because they feel that life in their home country has 'gone downhill' and they're on the lookout for something better. But the truth is that hardships and social and political issues exist everywhere. If there is a place other than Disneyland that doesn't have such problems, then we'd all be living there, wouldn't we? It's all a question of what we're prepared to live with and finding a place that's as close as you can get to your idea of perfect.

Your host country might be subject to a whole array of societal issues that you had either not been aware of or had never experienced before. There may be problems regarding extreme poverty; corrupt officials; severe inequality among certain groups of people; a non-democratic government; no publicly funded healthcare system... the list goes on. Most people wouldn't willingly go and live in a place which had this level of social and political problems. But if you end up moving to such a country for whatever reason, how do you deal with such issues?

OVERCOMING ISSUES

• Be aware and thankful for your previous experiences and opportunities that you were blessed with. When we're confront with images of suffering or hardship, we often have the belief that it's sad but we don't know what it is we can do to improve things. Start by offering kindness, and think about things you can do to resolve the situation - no matter how small the step may be.

• Use your compassion, experience and knowledge to educate others, not just in your new community but also your family and friends at home. People can learn a lot from others and the sharing of ideas can go towards fixing problems in their own home countries.

• There are some countries where certain issues are not high on people's list of priorities - recycling and environmental issues; road safety; overconsumption and waste... But nobody likes preaching and lecturing so maybe lead by example. Pick up litter; take your own mug to the coffee shop; wear a helmet when you're cycling etc. Explain to people why it's so important coupled with stories of your experiences. Sensible people often respond well to this.

• Never underestimate the gifts, skills and talents you have that can be put to good use. Once again volunteering and putting your skills to good use with local organizations who may need help from you is a great idea.

5. NEW KID SYNDROME

With thanks to Magnascan at Pixabay

Some of us may have at least once in our lives known what it feels like to be the new kid at school. We need to learn how to navigate this huge, unfamiliar building and worry about getting lost; try to learn the rules of the new school; we need to figure out who the nice and not-so-nice teachers are; who to be friends with; how to avoid the mean kids; whose lunch table to sit at; what after-school classes to take... you wonder if you're ever going to figure things out. And that's before we even get to you to feeling awkward, anxious, like the proverbial square peg, and wondering if you'll ever fit in.

Well unfortunately new kid syndrome can strike even when you're an adult and not at school! Moving to another country can also bring about new kid syndrome.

But while most people don't mind standing out, it's a real problem if you feel like a fish out of water. But this awkward feeling in the beginning is completely normal, though it should hopefully get easier with time.

But sometimes it goes a bit further than just feeling a bit shy and awkward. Culture shock, for instance, might be another source of trepidation, and might make you feel uncertain. There are unfamiliar laws, rules and societal norms you not only have to understand but also abide by. And that's before we really head to the totally unpleasant side of being an expat - unfriendly and unwelcoming locals, and the prejudices and disrespect you might have to face. It's not something people like to talk about when discussing expat life but sadly it does happen.

But what if you're made to feel different and believe that you'll never fit in?

OVERCOMING OBSTACLES

• It might be easier said than done but try not to feel too overwhelmed. Think about how you felt when you started at your new school... college... university... your first day at your new job... meeting your partner's family for the first time. You might have been a bundle of nerves and wondered if it would ever get easier but you soon found your feet. With time you will adjust to your new surroundings and the new way of life.

• Be optimistic - remember the new kid at school who everyone was totally fascinated by and wanted to know more about? Well that could be you! Not every newcomer is made to feel as though they don't belong; some are welcomed with open arms.

• We've said this before and we'll say it again - if you're going to live in another country where the language spoken is different to yours, learn some of the language before you leave. It means you won't feel totally isolated when you get there.

• Furthermore learn something about the culture, traditions, etiquette and laws before you get there so that there aren't any nasty surprises and you don't commit any unpleasant social faux pas.

• Once again expat online groups could be a great source of information, and any expats you might meet in your local area will be able to help you navigate your way around. And who knows you might end up being great mates.

• As we said in the previous post, there are no greater teachers than the locals. So if you meet any welcoming locals don't be afraid to ask questions and forge bonds.

• Don't allow anyone's rudeness and disrespectful behaviour to ruin this experience for you.

• But that said blatant prejudice and discrimination is never acceptable. But it's a sad fact that a lot of countries don't regard matters of discrimination as seriously as others. Read up on discrimination laws before you leave and organizations you can turn to should you have a problem.

• Businesses generally have a duty of care to their employees. So if you're relocating because of work, your superiors should be able to step in if you come across any problems. They might also offer Discrimination, diversity and cultural awareness training, and extra materials which can support and assist relocating employees.

For those of you who have gone to live or have lived in another country, what did you find to be the worst aspect of expat life? What other problems did you encounter? How did you overcome difficulties?

Blog graphics: Angel Noire

Photos: Pixabay